first rainy day

yes, today is the FIRST rainy day in Los Angeles, 25 November 2008. 

the sisters came up with an 'activity'. basically you randomly pick out a name from a basket, and then that name is the very person that you would be showering with random notes/little gifts here and there for a few weeks UNTIL the day of the FIRST RAIN. yes, so all the sisters took part in this and it was really sweet. random days when i got home from a really hard day i see a note on my table, other days i receive a kiwi gummy or a pretzel packet. and for my 'secret person', i would give her favourite snacks and leave a note or 2 on her desk to encourage her for the day/week. that was what happen for a few weeks now among the sisters, until today, when it rains, that we have to prepare for a final gift to give that person, and of course, finally everyone and their 'secret sister givers' are revealed. 

it was a very pleasant and sweet experience, and afterwards we sisters just linger and sing and really PRAYED OURSELVES INTO GOD. When i say praying ourselves into God, i mean really opening up our mouths and shouting words of praise and singing songs and hymns and spiritual songs and just really was BESIDE OURSELVES, as we shouted "Hallelujahs" and was really jumping in joy in our Spirit. it was, a taste of the New Jerusalem. really. it was a beautiful sight, God-men. mini NJ. 

(: 

OH LORD JESUS. 

but i cried. just because i have such a hardened heart. my heart is as hard as diamond. and NOTHING. nothing can break it, but diamond itself. and the diamond is but the Lord himself. 

i felt the piercing, the cutting, the slaying of myself as I say my "amens" to the sisters' prayers, as I exercised my spirit and prayed into God, as I just shout "Jesus is Lord!" My tears flowed like a never ending storm. I was in repentance to the Father, repenting of my hardened heart, of my stubborn self, of my unwillingness. yet, i just can't. get over the fact that i can't be close to the sisters just like i'm close to my cousins and the bay area saints. why? 

)': 

Lord Jesus. 

I just can't open up. I just can't. 

I'm bitter that no families or trainees come to me. 

And I'm just stubborn like this to leave it as it is. I am not active to GO to them. 

It's against my morals, or my beliefs, or just, my self, my own hard self. 

Lord Jesus. 

I need you. I need you. I NEED YOU. I NEED YOU. I NEED YOU. 

I Need companions. I need to grow. I need to, Lord. 

OH LORD JESUS. 

OH LORD JESUS. 

I really need so much of you. 

what a week! (;

Jump up high! (:

hot pot with the sisters (:

men in black.

Stephanie's birthday.

REALLY delicious.. bacon?

Beets Appetizer.

Pumpkin ravioli

Monk Fish, my main course (:

Dessert!

The Sisters (:

jubilee =D

The morning revival for these past 2 weeks have been "The Jubilee". Yet, ironically, people are going through the hardest, and the most difficult times. Yes, that's right. Outwardly, it's really a disaster. Our outward situation will just be the way it horribly has been, or even,.. worse! (: But i so enjoyed that we have another realm we can immediately enter into, and it's a matter of whether we're willing or not.
Past weeks I've been very stubborn, very bitter, very miserable, very opinionated, and really strong in self.
1) Wanted the photojournalism internship, but got into the New Media department.
2) and just many other little things that didn't happen.
but then, again, as i mused upon my bitterness, i realized i haven't asked myself ..
WHAT THE LORD HAS DONE.
and then when i look back, i realized maybe he purposed something else in my other internship.
aparently, a dear brother and yongjae are both in this department.
even though i really just want to be in Photojournalism and heck about other, but i realized that these few weeks of training has made me closer to my friends in a very normal and appropriate way. The world of journalism is very complicated and very 'wordly'. And I am VERY glad, VERY very glad, to have this brother in this with me cus it brings me back to the Lord when I get too into my work. (knw wht i mean? it's like.. you feel comforted)
Then, yongjae. I just hope through this, the brother might be able to help me bring yongjae into the churchlife. And, through this opportunity, Yongjae and I developed a real friendship. It's not like those friendship in quotation marks, but i really meant, friendship.
I care for yongjae in a way God cares for him, and I really want him to know the Lord.
(:

oh lord. just so exposed.
all these while i've been focusing on WHAT HE HAS NOT DONE IN and FOR ME.
but what about WHAT HE HAS DONE.

O how shallow i've been.
indeed.

Today, i just had the best time releasing the Christ prisoned inside of me.
I wanted to break from my cycle of poverty, and enter into the RICHES OF CHRIST!
Enter into that land flowing with milk and honey.
O Lord Jesus!! O Lord Jesus. OH LORD JESUS. How we need to really CALL OH LORD JESUS.
LORD SAVE US.
Save us from the bondages of this world, particularly our anxiety.

I never really realize what a sinner I was, until I realized again, today, that Anxiety itself, is a sin.
What a wretched man I am, a terrible sinner.
OH LORD HOW WE NEED YOUR DYNAMIC SALVATION.
seriously.
Don't we all sin? Aren't we all terrible sinners?
Sinning all the time as we start getting anxious over one thing and another.
Oh Lord.
Brother Dick said ".. a new pimple" (HAHA)
and yea, that's right. we humans are anxious over EVERYTHING.

school, work, family, friends, health, resume, future, finance, world situation, election, ...

indeed, just everything else. we are worry freaks! hahar.
Oh lord forgive us.

Today, one thing i really enjoyed is that His WILL for us, is for us to
1) always rejoice
2) unceasingly pray
3) in everything give thanks

amen. Oh Lord Jesuuuusssss. OH LORD JESUS! We Love You.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lord Jesus. dear friends. i've been bothered by something recently.
i think im growing feelings for somebody, but i need you to pray for me (:
cus i don't want to dwell in this emotion if he is not the one.
know what i mean? )':
and plus, i don't see him at all, except randomly.
but in those random times that we met, it was really so heart-melting.
maybe it's just me. you know how i melt for nice people, so easily xD
haha. no brainers. lol. well, for brothers, though..
cus you know how i always hold a special room for brothers (:
because they are those separated from the world, loving the Lord, going through the same Christian Fever as I am, experiencing the cleansing of leprosy, and the healing of our sight.
Oh whee~~! What vision so in unison.
How can I not fall for a brother if he's so good to me?
How can you not fall for the Lord when he's just oh so good to you? (:
hee.
Nothing is happening now. But what's happening IS that I,.. I dwell in this thought.
It's not .. okay ):
I do not want to be in this position. at all.
because it's so tiring,.. like how "I live my life ON his text, ON his call, ON his response"
(not like i'm living like that now, cus there's NOTHING going on) haha.
cus again, it's just.. random times.
so.. in a nutshell,
i'm living on OUR random times.

everyday waiting for a 'Random' is really hard, dude.
xP

so, if you remember me sometimes, just mention me in your prayers yea? (=
i love you all.
thank you!

why am i still blogging?

350am -- 刚刚写完作文. Oh My 天.

i'm so sleep deprived )':

sob

sob

sob

sob

sob

sob

sob

SCHEDULE FOR TMR
class at 9am- 1pm
tutoring at 3-5pm
club meeting at 530-7pm

today was the craziest day of this week so far.
(had 听写 and psych midterm)
class from 830am -2pm
tutoring 230-5pm
ucla newspaper board meeting 8-9pm
做作文: rest of the time

weak in my knees

cindy 真的需要知足..

my weakness is that i get upset really easily.
maybe i shouldn't be so sensitive.
maybe i should deal with myself.
maybe it's totally my problem.
but why do i feel i'm always led on?

1) when people say 'will call you back', but never did.
2) when people say 'i love you', 'i care for you', 'i will do anything for you', but when you just want them to listen, they don't, but they scoffed. they say all these sweet somethings and you really think they genuinely care for you but it's all BULL S*IT! it's all BS.
they say all these nice things but it's never meant to work in reality.
really.
maybe because you know me, know that im emotional, so maybe you think im being overly sensitive, but really. really.. really. please trust me that i'm not making things up. but these people who said words of sweet nothings do exist. and this happens to me, alot.
i don't want to remember all the bad things. because if i do, i can never ever open up to them.
but one very very simple example recently.
i burnt my hands really badly and she asked me wht's wrong?
and i told her i burnt my hands and that they're still prickling.
she was like "awwwwww. poor cindy."
"how?"
" blah blah boiling soup-bowl-holding bowl-hecka hot-didn't let go-spilled-then put on table"
then, ..THEN,
"did you burn the table?"

er.

yarh. call me sensitive.
but after that, the conversation ends.

sigh. that's why. that's why i would rather people not tell me they love me care for me and all that when they don't justify their words with actions.
i seriously don't require HUGE actions.
but its just.. simple things. its the simple thingss. IT REALLY IS.

another incident:
"Cindyyyyyyy! it will be very different w/o you. please commmeeeee"
好不容易, 我終于去了.
but the whole time i was left alone.
i really don't understand.
i'm just so frustrated with myself why i can't be more ROCK-HEART. really.
and i can't really tell anyone in person, or have a shoulder to cry on, literally, cus no one in LA understands. everybody's relationship to me is just that Candy-coated sweetness. But there isn't any reality.
The people that ended up comforting me are those further away.

I can't live everyday in this superciality.
Isn't there anyone, really?

sigh.

Because of my situation, i am so much more vulnerable in terms of guys.
Recently I have been so good with myself, keeping myself very into school and work and school and work and school and internships. 'busy' is the word.
everyday i have a crazy schedule to follow.
was very very content with my life. just want to be away from 'GUYs' and what comes with it.
i know my weakness and i don't want to fall for someone who's not whom im supposed to fall for.
i don't want to depend on a phone call or a text message or a lunch time to be happy.
i don't want to wait for a stupid-never-to-come call/text msg/lunch/dinner.
i don't want to live the way i did before, waiting foolishly.
blinded.
no more.
i want to live my own life.
i see how sisters and friends cry their eyes out for a Guy, and i really don't want to be in that position.
i've cried too much for people (Girls and Guys) who led me on.
i want to look away from 'G' until it is the right time for me to start something.
cus if i were to fight it, fight against what's predestined, i will get nothing by defeat, and pain.

yes, so i was very content with how my life goes.
cus i no longer have adrenaline rushes for anyone, and i have no strings attached with anyone.

but.
but. satan knows his stuffs.

if he send a brother to me, i would fall.

am i that weak?

yes.

a brother who asked me "are you cold?"
a brother who was so excited and said "yay! i got cindy's # now! i got cindy's # now!"
and he who got my msn said he would add me that night.
and he who would take initiative to offer to carry my books,
and he who persuaded me not to walk home at night alone because he didn't want to lose a sister,
that he would walk me instead.

i would fall.
not fall in love, but just .. he got my attention now.

but how genuine is a person?
only the Lord knows.
and i know these kind of brothers are the best in making millions of sisters fall for him but it's all..just his sweet talking. I know many like that. And it's always best to double your armor to these kinds of brothers.

i don't want to be stupid and fall for all these words of sweet nothings.
(even though that brother supported his words with actions)
but yar. Guard my Heart is what i should do.

title here.

those are not in my application portfolio, but i would like to share them with youuu! (:

so pretty right (: hahar.

anws! have you ever met someone exactly like you? or someone just like you in so many ways?

well, i think i've come to know of someone who's so like me in 'bubbliness' and 'corniness' lol.

but i wonder whether is it opposites who attract? or birds of the same feather flock together?

weird.

i don't know this person personally, but through friends' talking.

and he? i don't see how he would know me, so let's stick to 'he doesn't know me'.

hahar.

why do i make it sound like he MAY know me? LOL.

dude.

ANWS. just cus ive heard so much about him. it makes me so curious.

and friends just tell me how we will definitely hit it off well as good friends. hahar.

cus we're 'dumb' that wayy. and just really.. ourselves. hahar.

AWW. but yea.

enough of that. it's just very funny cus i saw him few days ago.

AND-KNEE-WAYS..

yongjae's birthday was last week, and i was shocked that he didn't blow his bday candle yet when i texted him after small group. (at 1015pm)

and i felt so DANG for him though.

so i went to Ralphs and bought a birthday balloon with a transparent container attached to its bottom and put a cupcake inside with its candles and made a happy birthday poster with the instructions of what to do with the things i gave him.

basically, cus Ralphs didn't sell matchsticks, i have to buy yellow paper and cut them into flames and tape it to the candles to make it .. 'flames', for him to blow.

so i wrote a huge poster of 'happy birthday yongjae' and below i wrote the instructions:

-1:

0: light the candles

1: wish yourself a happy birthday

2: sing yourself a birthday song

3: make 3 wishes

4: blow the candles

5: eat the 'cake' and disgest them

6: smile, and.. smile broader.

7: resume what you're doing.

the instructions goes something like that.

lol.

so i left those at his door at 11:50pm and just text messaged him to come out. LOL.

and so.. that was his happy birthday (:

AM I SO SWEET! gosh. hahar.

beyond a smile

how do you like this picture? (:

for some reason, i just love it love it love it.

the composition of it, the contrast, the reflection, the shade, the content and subject (=

this was one of the photos i include in my application portfolio.

during the interview, the photo editors asked me to select my best 5 out of my 20.

this picture was my top5/6.

you are wondering what's my first pick, aren't you? hahar.

it's the photo of me in a black dress in vancouver granville island.

that was a masterpiece, totally.

then the next 2 are my 'lampstands' shot.

i will consider on uploading them here.

and the other one is the ballerina shot.

(:

amen that the interview went so well, i am so happy beyond a smile.

results will be posted on thursday in front of their office.

just keep praying lo!

and i really THANK all YOU beloved saints and friends for helping me go through this.

this means so much to me.

yea. .

#2

MY LOVELY DEBORA! THANK YOU FOR CALLING ME. LOL.
i was seriously going to post a blog ESPECIALLY asking you to call me =)
hahar. that was why i was amazed to how you know.
AND-KNEE-WAYS, ..

ice was asking me what's wrong, and she told me people around our age (20) can only be troubled by 2 things: 1) Relationships (all kinds) and 2) Failure.
LOL. it's SO TRUE ok. hahar. well, this time for me, is #2 #2 #2!!! OH LORD!
one of my friend told me not to want something too badly/to hold onto something so tightly.
because that way it increases the chance of losing it.
well, you know, we hear all the time 'the fastest way to lose sth is to want it so badly'.

my day today was such a close call. almost lost the chance of turning in my application.
then the rest of the day i was just holding onto my tiny samsung phone, constantly sliding it to check of missed calls. yes, missed calls from the photojournalism department wishing me congratulations you're scheduled for an interview! ='(
but no eh..
没有.

well, there's always email. and i kept logging onto my ucla mail, refreshing my inbox like never before. but same thing, nothing.

WELL, there's always tomorrow, right? (:

life.
just when i found something i am SO PASSIONATE about, it's ... like.. so out of reach =P
wait till i tell you what happened today.
sigh! hahar.

but anyways. today i met someone i never expect to meet. just cus we weren't meant to know each other. hahar. but oh wells.
i wonder whether i will have a second time.


(;

7 things for today

#1 I LOVE THIS SONG.
I want Nobody nobody but you..
Nandareun sarameun shi-reo niga animyeon shi-reo ~~!!

#2 PHOTOGRAPHY PHOTOGRAPHY PHOTOGRAPHY!
I got to get the Photojournalism Internship!!
=)
You probably already heard it from me like, A LOT. cus, I REALLY WANT IT.
This photography thing is driving my life these days.
yea. LORD! I'm sorry.

#3 SO EXCITED to start my babysitting job next week!
US$13 (: Need to save $$ for crisis period.

#4 NOT excited for high-school tutoring.. zzz*

#5 UCLA Ling club, "Bling" was a success today! yay (:

#6 Love my Chinese 101 class.
I MISS CHINESE!! xD

#7 My mind's still all on that Photography Internship.
7.1 I dreamt of nicholas yesterday )':
I must really miss my days as a childcare teacher..
Awww NICHOLASSS!! I MISS YOU SO MUCHHHIEEE!
7.2 Photography

happy birthday debora

(this video took FOREVER to load: more than 2 hrs, that i have to leave comp on for it to load)
ANWS, debora dear. this is for you (:

i bet you're like .. "??? ..."
"... why."

"there's nth to see."

"... er. okkkay."
".. "

BUT. just wait for the other video, okie? (:
the video was taken on sept 18, 2008.
i didn't forget you birthday AT ALL. seriously didn't.
and i hope you recieved my birthday wishes thru the sky/air/nature LOL.
but seriously though.
i thought of you and (: ... thought of you more!!
hahar. just a little proof that i wasn't able to be on my computer that day.
so now im no longer in LA.
i drove back to san jose lo.

5.5hrs drive by myselfff!! (>.<') even though i kinda liked it. cus i get to sing like no other. lol. DEAR DEBORA! i received your voicemail. but i have no calling card so i cant call you until i gte one k? (: I LOVEEEE YOUUUU! ALOT.

Happy TwenTEEN (:

DA CRIB

so you know, we just moved in to our new room, and starting to make our home in it (:
*please understand that we just.. MOVED IN, so, hence, that clutter.
this is the view of my room from the door:

which one is cindy's bed?
which is esther's?
and which is charlene's?

well, yea. you guessed (right/wrong)! (:

Introducing ms sheep, from the saints in Singapore.

... and the cherry coke from mango.

and the VERY USEFUL STOOL from my dearest cousins..

and the IKEA desk put together by 2 dear sisters.

i thought of an equation while they were piecing and nailing and etc the wood and all:
2 sisters + willing hearts = 1 handy brother.

it wldn't be green if there was yellow.. (;

the cluttered closet, 50% in progress.

the really nice detail of this sweater that i love.

thank you, giver (:

[threeyellowbuttons]

l-i-s-t-e-n-i-n-g..

i miss my class. miss all the children. and their unique personalities.

=) my favourite 22months child.

was really hard saying goodbye.

*i can't post pictures of children from my intern site unless i got permission from their parents.

everyone was so precious to me.

each week, i have to submit 2 journal reports. 1) objective (observation and interpretation)

2) reflective (3-4pages)

through these journals, it made me bond with each and every child in the classroom.

each one has a different memory with me.

some who gave me a hard time helping them take their nap,

some who refuse to go for a diaper change,

some who hits other children,
some who bang their plates and throw rice all over the floor,

some who loved me singing 'itsy bitsy spider',

some who chased me all over for my camera (haha),

some who just wanted to be in my arms (* (= that's him!)

some who loved putting on my yellow crocs, (that's him, too!)

some who grabbed onto my legs and rested their head,

some who sit and listen to story telling,

some who tis and tat, this and that..! (:

anyways. i will apply myself for work-study at this childcare site in the winter. hope i get it (:

cus. im so close to most of the kids i just cant to be there to see them move on to the next milestone! it's really amazing. especially some children that i spent so much time with, soothing and comforting them, feeding milk bottles, nap time, diaper rash moments, ear infection moments,.. yea.

hrm.

you know. i got a job at this highschool as a tutor. LOL. seriously. no kidding.

i don't know why i did it, but now that i am going to be one (in the fall), it's scary.

cus.. it's just so scaryyy! my fears of being bullied (cus im so short, you know). my fears of being labelled a 'dorky asian girl'. lol. dangs.

ANWS. have to place my authority during tutoring sessions.

the director was telling me how these teens may/may not cross the line, and just want me to make sure that i draw the line between teachers and friends, yet, still, be their counsellor.

hrm.

*muse muse*

that's really scary. i mean, the thought of me, and them. sigh.

well, i get paid quite a sum for this though, (:

for sometime i've been thinking, and planning to open a business somehow.

like a small tiny one is fine. just.. anything.

i just.. really wanna be a young entrepreneur.

(;

and i need a serious partner.

am i too ambitious right here?

hrm.

just shared on Lord's table today.

just how busy and chaotic my summer has been, and i didn't have the chance to sit on the Lord's feet and listen to his word, and be filled with his life and his desire.

and then..

and then..

just enjoyed how we need to STOPPPPP everything. (that's right)

meaning: not complaining to the lord.

BUT, give thanksgiving to Him.

and, read His word, and listen.

(:

elaborate tmr!

(have to show you my new room! love it.)

yes, that's right. i've moved.

saranghae, chakeya.

i've been watching a korean reality show called "We Got Married" (:
(the only thing i look forward to these weeks)
awwwww~!
it's so touching. that one couple that ended up really liking each other.
cus. it's just so real.
hahar.
i think watching dramas really worsen my condition. lol.
)':

anws. this song you're listening to is sung by him. (:
love his voice love his voice love this deep voice this sincere full of feelings voice!
omygosh.
he totally sung for the girl this song called 'flower pot'.
and because he has to leave (for work), he gave her a flower pot for her to take care, and asked her to wait for him to come back.
Awwww~!

GOSH!
all these romantic stuffs.
every single episode.
every single minute.

(:


-something about him-

the silly me has already thought of millions and millions of things to do with 'him'.
i'm just waiting for the person!! gosh! hahar.

simple things like sharing a straww. awww! (:
drinking hot cocoa playing board games on rainy days.
taking lots and lots and lots of pictures!
piano duet!
composing our own love songs.
have to have to sing with him!
exercise together! jog jog jog! tennis bball snowboardingg!!
shop.
eat EAT E-A-T!
eating out, he cooks, i cook, both cook. yum!
travel around the world.

of course, he'll also certainly be my prayer companion.
(not him, then who?)


hahar. dramas made me go wild. xD
people tell me to wake up." 醒醒吧, 欣帝!"
but really worrr.
don't you think a guy has to know how to unlock his girl's heart?
hence, every one person is destined to be with that unique someone, cus every one is a single lock and key!

(^^') why am i so excitedd! hahar. just cannot wait to see him face to face.
is he how i imagine him to be?
does he enjoy the same things i do?
does he get p*ssed when cars honk unnecessarily?
does he like taro ice cream like i do?
does he like to travel enough that 18hrs on the plane is nothing?
does he like raw fishes like i do ^^?
does he? does he? does he play the guitar?
does he.. is he.. as corny as i am?
does he have a face that i can't help but smile at?
does he hold such a charm? that i can't even get mad at him?
awwwww!!
what is it like to fall in love?
will my heart race like there's no finish line?
will i stammer and mutter and turn tomato?
will i have that adrenaline rush like those described in high school biology?
will time.. really stop?
will everything in the background all fade away? only us 2 in the picture? (teehees!)
will the palms of my hands sweat more than a 10hr marathon?
will i .. have sth to say?
will i .. have nth to say?
will i know it's him?

(:

aww.
how i want to be in love.

37% life

just love it love it love it.
i cannot help but stare at it and take a picture.

sisters in travelling spirit.

my first bon fire in America.

the summer gift from God! (;

Things to do before further ageing:

-1) Graduate UCLA

0) FTTA

1) go to Taiwan

2) go to Shanghai

3) go to Korea

4) refinement of piano skills

also, learn to play Fantasy Impromptu- Chopin

Hence, Indonesiaaaaa!

5) Graduate school (ASAP)!

- University of Washington (Seattle, WA)

- Northwestern University

- University of Illinois- Urbana Champaign

- MGH Institute of Health Professions (Boston, MA)

- Boston University

- Teachers college, Columbia University (New York!)

I don't even know what's my first choice. hrm. just cus.. I wanna be in Boston/NY, but if UW accepts me, .... that's.. omg!

hahar.

Uni of Illinois is good, too. Top 9. BUT. there's NOTHING there except cornfields.

day #1 Corn Bread

day #2 Pop Corn

day #3 Corn flakes

day #4 Corn soup

day #5 Roast Corn

day #6 repeat day 1

day #7 repeat day 2

AND.

i'm such a city girl.

thus, i really want to choose a school in/near NY! (:

hahar. but of course, wherever the Lord may lead.

and of course, after FTTA is the answer!

wherever he wants my church life to be, and whoever he wants be to be near with.

can't wait for FTTA.

the only 2 years worth of my living on earth. just pure enjoyment of the Lord.

even though of course, aside from that i really hope to meet my dear brother.

because i told the Lord, after FTTA, i really need to have someone.

and i know he'll provide me with an answer.

3 years to go! (:

TwentyThreeYearsOld*

(wldn't it be time?)

6) Something with photography

win a contest or sth. gosh! haha.

7) Something with Interior Design

(besides my new home)

8) Language Refinement

- Mandarin

- Spanish

- Korean

Awww. There's so much to life.

i know the Lord will alter those plans, those dreams.

until then, those are my goals (:

i want a child!

if i can't have my mum with me 24/7, can't i at least have a child of my own?
really want a child of my own. so badly sometimes.
just for the selfishness of having a company,
and the availability of hugs.
and of course, i really want to be a good mum.
i really do.
it's one of my biggest aspirations now.

working in the childcare made me feel more loved.
cus i always, ALWAYS, get hugs, and give hugs!
hee :D
i was just telling ricky that i was going to change his diaper in a minute.
then as i wanted to get the children on and going and done on diapers (after nap), i carried ricky to the bathroom. As i held him in my arms, he rested his head on me!
OH GOSH!
that was such an "awww~" moment.
i don't know how to describe it.
it was so "Awwww~", and i didn't want to let him down.
Ricky is known to be the "naughty" kid in class.
and when he actually rested his head on me like that,
i was just.. oh-so-subdued.

sigh (':

and then alexandra.
the 16months girl who used to give me a hard time putting her to sleep.
now she always hug me from the backkkk.
and if i was standing, she would rest her head on my legs.
"Awwwww!!"

sigh (':

then nicholas.
the one boy that i was attached to, and was attached to me since day 1 of interning.
even though it seems throughout the day he may not need me as he runs around and play,
it's funny how as i was disciplining him by walking him over to wash his hands after snack, he was all "No No No", but i followed him through with washing his hands, and then he wanted to be carried and he never let go.
that is what i like about him (: hahaha. really though.
it's like, he sticks with me like glue!
really persistent.
really consistent.
soon later, his dad came and i wanted to pass him to his dad.
but nicholas totally refused to get down and stuck his leg to my waist, and head on my chest, refusing to let go.
it was an "Aww" moment, but i felt bad for his dad. haha.
and his dad was all "i know you like aunt cindy"
(-.-')
dude. im not that old.
anws.
i like nicholas so much!
hahar.
just cus he is not like that with anyone else (:
aww.
it makes me feel so special.
haha.
k larh.
confidentiality.
but oh wells.

why i want a child so much.

1) i want a child who runs to me the moment i walk in the door! (:
2) a child who calls me "Mummy! Mummy!" excitedly.
3) a child who's attached to me (mummy) and daddy (whoever).
4) hold hands!
5) play (:
6) raising them. (REALLY REALLY WANT TO RAISE THEM!)
7) "bear fruits"

hee :D

)*&!%$!&#^%#!!)@!

under pressure under pressure!
cindy works under pressure!
9:02pm and i'm still stuck with inspirations on my research paper due tmr.
yes, i have work at 7:30am, AND i have a project/experiment with the kids tmr.
YET. what's going on with my paper leh?

头好痛!!

我现在真的超想离开 Los Angeles 这个"鬼"地地方!! %!#$@!&!)(%!$$!!
哈哈.
真的. 我是认真的.
越远越好.

我呢, 这几天过得的确比上个星期好些了. .
那也要谢在身边, 或在祷告里给我安慰, 支持!
谢了, 你们 (:

.. those thoughts.

sunday has always been my most hated day;
just because the next day is monday.
so yesterday was indeed a terrible, and really upsetting day.
i don't know whether it's because i'm unknowingly going through the 14days before my period, or it's because i'm really really upset.
in any case, i felt better today, that monday is almost over, which means my "Task#1 Psych Test", is over. Next coming up is my problem solving phonology homework due tomorrow morning, and then comes work. Yet, at the same time, I have to bear in mind of a 7pages research paper due friday, and a midterm on thursday, and journal and observation and curriculum plan on wednesday, AND already have interviewed a credible person for my research paper by thursday, AND squeeze time to drive to downtown LA to make time for dinner with my mum, AND still keeping in mind that my activity plan sheet for my club is due soon, AND still have to work 15 hours, AND .. all the miscellaneous stuffs my mum wants me to do before she leaves on FRIDAY NIGHT, ..
i'm sorry. i didn't mean to blabber on and on and 'boast' of my 'things to do'.
sometimes i just find my blog as an outlet of my very unstable emotions. and i really don't intend to stumble anyone or seek for sympathy.
i know many times, or perhaps, most times, i am indeed very emotional in my entries..
but i guess , it's when you're in that pits that inspiration comes, that, you just form an endless string of words, and sentences, and paragraphs, and entries.
i hope you won't find it hard reading all these, but i am honestly very troubled.
i am really troubled.
and my mind is constantly thinking things, and it just sinks my soul. and i know ..
it's time to set my mind on the things which are above, the lord that is.
but often, i'm just ashamed to turn. so ashamed that i failed his proving of my faith.

anyways. since i'm better today, let me just share with you a teeny part of my inspirations i had recently.

many things troubled me recently.
and these are all because of my ugly self. my really ugly being.
i realized how fallen, and ugly i am. like, everything about me.
this is why i feel so intimidated to turn to Him, because He is so perfect.
(even though He wants us to be perfect because the Father is perfect)
but,
i feel like, there's nobody else in this world as horrible as i am, as complicated as i am.
i feel so unhappy. and so dissatisfied with all the things around me.
it's all my problem.
it's all about me.
it's all from within me.
my peculiarities.

anyways. that wasn't my insipration.
so, recently with my circumstance, i have been 'pushed', or say 'persuaded' to NOT pursue masters and my DREAMS to be a speech-language pathologist AND get married.

in this case, it seemed like it's diverting to a financially capable man who can love me, and provide for the rest of my life. and, i know that person. and, it's totally possible.
know what i mean?

OKAY, "GREAT". i mean, GETTING MARRIED has ALWAYS been my BIGGEST dreams.
but.
i REALLY want an original love story.
i really want my career as a speech therapist.
i really do not want to depend fully on my husband financially.
i really have a lot of preferences.
i really am so picky.
i really have so many peculiarities.
i am so complicated.
haha.

oh wells.
actually, what really feared me was that .. what if he is the one?
and you know. it's like..
we all know that love grows.
and yea.
i really do not want that.
cus, it's like..
letting my heart fall for someone that my mind does not want to fall.
it's like.
i do not want to fall in love with someone that my mind does not love.

there are many reasons, many differences.
but these 2 are really important.

1) he's not a brother from the recovery, yet.
(cus im going to refer him to an elder)

2) i don't 'like' him in that way.

see. how very complicated.
but, it even comes to a point where people 'tell' me that 'my dreams' of getting a perfect husband who loves me for what i am, and who will rub and touch my tummy when i'm pregnant, and, is thoughtful, and, not calculative, IS RARE and almost, NON-EXISTENT.
but why do i always believe i will end up with someone that rare?
why do i always think that love is perfect, and love conquers all?
why am i always so hopeful?
i know partly is because of dramas, and partly is because of pursuing the same goal(NJ), and another part is because i know God's Love will reign in us, and He is the head. so, there's ALWAYS a hope for happily ever after.
i mean, that's why we're His coming bridegroom! right?
and when we're in New Jerusalem, we literally LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER!
oh wells.

so anws. people convince me to grab whoever wants me. (-.-')
cus there won't be a lot who will accept me for who i am.
and that if this person wants me, then, i should just.. comply?


!!
but is it true that life is unpredictable?

sigh.
if i end up with him, .. i, will be like a caged bird in indonesia.

to be unable.

i'm unhappy.
unhappy. dissatisfied. annoyed. irritated. frustrated.
and in need of help.

i don't know how to pull through the coming week.

i can't even call on His name anymore.
i can't.
for some reason i feel that i shouldn't call on His name because i fear that i'll be disappointed.
disappointed that even after i call, i don't feel better. i don't get the peace i should get. i don't get the whole person of that name. i fear that He won't be the same to me. i fear that He will not be as real to me as before. i fear that .. even the Lord can't even save me.
oh lord.

i am so tired.
i am so unhappy.
i am so fallen.
so emotional and incapable.
nothing makes me happy anymore.
nothing.

late birthday post

birthday casts: cindy, .., chicks class, sprinkles.



breakfast company.

birthday breakfast!!! (;

it's actually REALLY good. really.

my intern place! (;

.. and i made 3 wishes.

my birthday dinner (:

31st July, 2008!

so i made this for small group (;

ingredients: pasta, alfredo sauce, spinach, shiitake mushroom,
broccoli, garlic, corn, minced turkey, mozzarella.

(=

going into a week of my 20's,
and 2 words i got:
'labour', and 'strife'.
1 adjective: 'endless'.
put them together, 'endless labour and strife'.

is this what it means to be out of the teenager realm?
a whole world of endless labouring, .. and endless striving.. OF nth.
of what seems to be something, but are all vanity of vanities.

so #1, it's summer time. meaning, classes go by more crazily than ever.

#2 psych 134: project- plan a curriculum, and actually TEST it on the children.
weekly observations/interpretations
weekly journals
quizzes
research paper

#3 ling 120A: crazy 3hr lectures (that i have to attend)
research paper of the phonology of a language
weekly homeworks
2wice a week readings
midterm
final

#4 intern: 15.5hrs a week
FULL ATTENTION to 10 children in class.
(my performance is assessed/graded)
it's just.. energy consuming.
(even though this is what makes me alive in ther summer)

#5 UCLA life (other): club involvement- social affairs coordinator, THUS, ALL the social events
social planning, board meetings, general meetings, etc.

#6 church life: bible-reading schedule (totally irregular now)
spiritual books, (esp Christ as the Reality- reccomended by bro minoru)
life study of Luke 1,2,3
MEETINGS (and the preparation)

#7 social/personal life: preparation for mummy's coming! (book hotels and stuff)
and helping the closing for blueberry's going.
(things to do before he leaves)
spend time with my beloved and faithful buddy, Sprinkles.
tentative: GRE?
read the story book i LONG to feast all my mind into.
(a book on fairy tales- THE ORIGINAL VERSION xD )
bills and car oil, tires, timing belts,..
other friends.
(i really want to go to six flags, you know (; )
and, my rotting body.
(i realized i'm getting old. i mean, like, really OLD. like, i have physical constraints)
haha, seriously, ever weakling body.


took a breath of the lord just this morning.
had been so caught up with life that i just ..
didn't even have time for Him.
but what's wonderful about it is that ..
He will be that REALITY that WHENEVER you call on His name,
O Lord Jesus,
that person of that name just FILLS you.
He just FILLS you.
just like that*
he FILLED me.
but you know, we're all in adam's nature and fallen and all that;
so we get carried away and you realize "eh? where's my lord?"
but He's so faithful and true that whenEVER, WHENEVER you call,
he's there for you to take Him in.
i can't be in my spirit 24/7, at least not yet, and not anytime soon, haha.
but whenEVER. (oh how i enjoy this word so much today.)
WHENEVER, saints.
W-H-E-N-E-V-E-R.

yes. Whenever you turn your hearts to the Lord, the veil is taken away.
Whenever we call on His name, He NEVER FAILS to be so dear and near to us.

(:

Ressurection Power. without him going through ALL the processes,
how can he be the life-giving spirit? the one who brings us OUT of DEATH,
and INTO life.
the Christian life is just a life of turning death into life.
constantly.
that's why we need Him.
every moment.



(: i love you guys!
and i miss you all so much.

(p/s cookie jar: soon)

what hurts.

thank you sprinkles! (:
true enough, the lord really is the high priest.
don't i always get cupcakes for my birthdays?
some say it's some meaningless tradition,
i say, it's love.
cus all these bakers just know how much i love cupcakes!

there you go! (: (i mean, 'i')

and they always put some candles for me to make my wishes

except, i didn't have a wish right then, just the same old thing

every year; for the Lord to grow in me, and for me to love him

more than i ever did before, and to be preserved.

that's the #1 wish that i will always declare.

then the silent wish, #2, which is usually sth that's been in my heart for quite some time. and #3 is another 'say-out-loud' wish, where i wish random stuffs like .. mastering the guitar. LOL. which never happen. i have been wishing that since when im 18!

anyways. so this is the plan:

date: july 31st, 2008

place: los angeles

11:55 personal time

00:00 personal time

00:-- phone call

--:-- dream land

08:00 morning revival with roomie

09:00 meet with director of internship

10:00 breakfast with blueberry (notice that i don't use 'yj' anymore, cus, there's no more yj.)

12:00 work

05:30 walk home!

06:30 dinner with sprinkles

--:--

i feel weird. honestly.

actually i planned to sleep early so i have energy for tomorrow.

but i recieved a call from a friend in vancouver and we talked for about 30-40 mins?

it was really nice of him to call, really. haha.

i appreciate how at 00:00, i start recieving messages from all over. hahar.

and my dear cousin texted too! i was texting her back and my friend called.

so anws. back to feeling weird.

is it because, i'm technically 20 already?

hahar. or is it because of sth he said!!

yea. it probably was about sth somebody, said. hahar.

is it really a flaw? being talkative?

we were talking about me being 'desperate' to get married, and he said maybe cus i talk too much. (-.-')

yea.

haha.

it's hilarious right? hahar. i mean, just, how this person(whom im technically not close to) thinks im too talkative; when the fact is, i didn't even tell him that much. (in my own measure, that was nothing.) and of course, he noticed the times when im sad, and would ask me what's wrong. so of course, when someone ask you what's wrong, isn't it a natural reaction to tell/confide the person? (assuming that there's trust in your friendship) or is it.. when someone ask "what's wrong", it's only .. lip service?

i'm getting so confused over humanity.

lord, is this really why im not liked by anybody?

seriously friends, is this why? do you think i really shouldn't talk too much?

i mean, i'm so different around guys. it's like, sometimes i just don't know what to say, and i fear that the conversation will get awkward and i start to babble and talk/spout nonsense, or even say incomplete sentences/phrases or make noises or whatsoever, just to get the ball rolling.

i don't know.

i feel so down.

i know, "cindy's emo again", you say to yourself.

but no, i'm not emo right now.. im just, reflecting.

anyways. i'm too lazy to explain myself.

i feel like many times, ive been misunderstood, and have been wronged.

o lord jesus.

will there be just that one brother who simply adores my endless chatter?

is it really that impossible?

how come many gave me the feeling that NO ONE PERSON can stand your chatterbox-ness.

i just cannot express what i want to express,

and ended up in chains of meaningless words to them.

i feel so.. useless, you know.

it's like..

"Cindy, I can't stand it anymore. I need you to stop talking."

"Cindy, you don't have to tell me everything you know."

"Cindy, that's enough."

isn't it.. hurting?

--- just gotta keep walking ---

thank you cookie jar #2 for your text msg (;
and thank you vanilla and ice for calling!
and my dear cousin, too!

seriously dudes.
my life is falling apart.
it's the time where the lord says to me, ".. the precious proving of the faith."

OH MAN.
i really cannot take anymore of any thing.
i can't even explain all these situations one by one.
things that befall on me, that will scar me the rest of my life.
things that befall on my dad, and my mum, and everyone around me..
especially my dad.
if you have a room for him in your prayers, please mention my dad to the Lord in your prayers, okay? (:
(love you, thanks)

i also hope that things will eventually get better, and that my 2 years consecrated for the FTT will not be rough years for my dad.
i really need to go to grad school ASAP to be a speech pathologist.
i just need to have that, asap!
so that my dad won't have to be burdened over so many things..

sigh!

oh lord!

i know the dawn will come.

ALSO. i have work on my birthday.
all the choices have no use to me now.
SO SAD RIGHT!
but maybe you'll say "it's just a birthday"
yea..
it's just a birthday.

the veil

two hours of tears.

and then she refilled it with 16oz of milk.

today she experienced God's governmental dealing.
.. and it was, honestly, awfully painful.
nope, it's not about guys.
and nope, it's not about the saints.
but yes, it is about the self within me.
"the little satan", my mum said.
yea. and the result of that, is judgement, and punishment follows.
it's tough.
i was speechless.
and so ashamed.
so ashamed of myself.
i am so ashamed, i couldn't look at anyone in the eye.
but in moments like these, ..
we just praise the lord.
and the devil is shamed.
the devil is defeated at that instant you praise.
Oh lord, PRAISE YOU LORD!

it's funny how i'm in this situation where it's going to scar me forever.
i will never forget.

how ashamed i was.
Forgive me, Lord.

1) birthday cake 2) internship 3) sweetdreams

i want a birthday cake!

i've been working crazy hours recently.
having shifts as early as 730am, and till closing at 530pm.
in addition to my busy work schedule, i have school, which means.. project, and presentation, and papers and more papers.
so overwhelming. (;

right now i'm waiting for the blueberry muffin i baked in the oven, and it's for my dear thursday small group.

i'm SO tired, really. hahar.

anws.

-----------------------------------------------------------------internship----------------

yes, working in a credible childcare is really SUCH an experience (:
it's not just any childcare.
it's Quality childcare.
every word we say, every thing we do, every little detail, from the material of the door, to every word that comes out of our mouth. like, seriously.
the way we hold them,
they way we respond to them,
the way we are persistent to them,
the words we say to them,
the food we give them,
and HOW we give the food to them,.. etc!

for example, we don't say "No."
(even though it's THAT easy to pop that word the first thing from your mouth with a child)

because, then,
1) what are they supposed to do?
in a child's mind:" er.. ok, you just told me, no, and...so what am i going to do? and.. what?why?"

2) they have no options, and they can't freely explore because you just limit them.
instead, say "Oh, xxx, i see that you are eating your shoe. Shoes are not to be eaten, xxx. And look! (pointing them the dirt) it is dirty. You don't want to eat all these dirt, do you?"

take a minute. isn't our instant reaction, just "No xxxx, don't eat the shoe!"

and that is only part of it. there are many things that can happen with children that we can possibly say 'No' a thousand times a day.

another example would be when a child is hitting another child.
(dude, they can even pinch xD lol. and he's about 18 months)

natural reaction: No xxx! Don't pinch xxx.

wht-i-was-taught: "xxx, please stop. you have just made yyy so upset by pinching him/her."
"and yyy, you can tell xxx "stop". (this is to build social skills among children)
and remember, you can move your body."

there are seriously so much more.
even the matter of saying "good boy/girl, you're so cute..etc" , we do not say all those.
cus we do not want them to grow up doing things according to 'praises'- it's good/bad.
even when they draw a certain picture, we don't go around saying "wow, xxx, that is such a nice picture!"

what about the other kids? other kids will think that only a drawing like xxx is Good, and will not appreciate their own, because their works are not praised.
Also, you just labeled one kid's drawing to be nice, and he/she , in the future, will only regard his/her work as good, IF someone says its good. we don't want that.
instead, we encourage them to Describe, and TALK about what they draw/make/create.

"xxx, what is this? can you tell me more about it?"
or
"xxx, i see you draw a house and a tree. what other things do you have in mind?"

anws. there are so much more.
1) diaper time
2) meals - breakfast, lunch, snack
3) group time
4) outdoor free play
5) nap time

dude. even when changing their diapers, we talk them through every step with them.
cus remember: children are NOT toys, they are human beings, ought to get the respect they need. we caregivers respect them by talking them through what we're doing to them, to their body(changing diapers).
eg. xxx, would you like to help me open your diaper? (flap open)
i'm going to put this fresh new diaper on you, so you need to help me by lifting your legs UP HIGH. ready? blah blah blah*

*of course, we don't have to talk through to be so detailed at EVERY toiletting time.
i mean, in general, we tell them what we're doing to them, and involve them as much as we can (:

things like that.

aww man (:
i really love what i'm doing.
especially when you just know, like as if you're so ready to be a mother yourself.
that was how i felt though.. Wanting, and feeling like it is.. Time. (to be a mum, haha)

------------------------------------------------------------------ sweet dreams-----------
yea. dude. before i can even BE a mum, i have to have a husaband, right?
dang.
and before i can have a husaband, i have to have a fiance, right?
dang.
and before i can have my fiance, i have to have a boyfriend, right?
dang.
and before i can have a boyfriend, i HAVE to HAVE gone through 2yrs of FTTA, RIGHT?
dang!

hahar.
and before 2yrs of FTTA, i have to.. graduate UCLA right?

)'=

and.. it's about a year from now.
i really cannot wait.
cannot wait~! (:

there's just SO MANY SO MANY things i want to do, but am not able to when i'm still.. a 'senior' in college.
oh wells!

see, i even thought how i should fit in 'Taiwan/Korea' in my life, man..

2008 Senior Year
2009 FTTA
2010 FTTA
2011 Graduate School (M.S) /will i be married? this time?
2012 Graduate School (M.S) /lord, how much longer?
2013 Graduate School (M.S)/ Start working? (for real)
2014 Work-Marriage-Churchlife
.
.
.
sometime later, Children! (:

but then, WHEN can i go korea/taiwan to teach English?
and i really don't mind going to Europe or whatsoever the Lord's move at, AS LONG AS I'M MARRIED. period.

haha!

sweet dreams last forever.

my coming birthday

Yes, that's Right. those are really pathetic options. hahar. But i really only have those as choices!
So apparently, there are no one else here except Sprinkles to celebrate my birthday with. Of course, there's also yj. But do you think he will even remember? LOL. =P don't even hope on it. DON'T.
and it's perfectly fine, cus i really want to be happy on a 'New Day' (: and not dwell on unnescessary thoughts. Plus, i know from experience that hanging out with Sprinkles is never a bad choice! hahar. So I'll allow myself to spend my whole day with her.

BUT.

but, )'= what can 2 girls do on a birthday?
especially when i'm driving )'=
for once i really hope i'm the passenger, and i don't have to worry about directions, or traffic, or parking. but i guess i'm not spared on my birthday either! hahar.
well, thus, and hence why my first choice was 'Six Flags', cus I don't want to spend the day driving from point A to point B. and then to point C, and back again to A. I want minimal driving, and hence, why an Amusement Park is a great idea cus it'll take the whole day!

problem solved?

not completely.

see, the problem is that Sprinkles has her final on that day, till 12 50pm.
I mean, say we take off then, and reach 'Six Flags' at 2? Then we probably only have about 6-7 hours to ride on all the rides? Is that enough time? hrm. Oh wells. But is there another choice?
hahar. Seems like this is it eh?

ANYWAYS. my dream 20th birthday, is obviously sth that has to do with the Lord. because if you haven't known, I really love my Lord, and there's nth else that can satisfy, but the Lord himself. So then you would probably mumble to yourself "then why isn't Cindy planning on spending time with the saints?"
the answer to that is just, "there are no saints, here."
in short, it's summer, everybody's gone, and those who are here, aren't close enough to me to the extend that they are willing to spend the whole day with me.
does that make sense? (; cus you know, really. you want to feel entertained, and not being in a position where you're thinking "what should i say next" to the person you're with.
i just want to rest. yes, Rest.
So back to my DREAM birthday (:

starting from personal time at 00:00 (will be accomplished)
and then, waking up early in the morning and do morning revival (will be accomplished)
then have a nice breakfast (x)
the whole day's activity is planned by others (x)
one of which we go to a park/beach and sing hymns, pray and hang out! (x)
(and one of them is gd with guitars that he/she plays it)
they planned dinner; whether it's their own cooking or we go to a nice restaurant.

and that's it!

just for a day; i don't want to be the lead.


(=

hee. but you know, it's really okay.
i really felt that way.
cus i know the Lord in me will take that lead on my birthday.
but hey. if you have any suggestions on what i should do, please email me kay!
I LOVE YOU! (:

what happened?

the lord took away mango; before i could even BE in a relationship,
before i could even tell him i like him, too.

the lord took away jackfruit; and that was a great loss of a listening ear.

the lord took away starfish; and now i have one less friend to hang out.
one less person to talk crap with, and to feel comforted.

now my lord, also took away yj. even as a company, he no longer exist.

I, hereby DECLARE that I no longer have any GUYS in my life no more.
not that i'm being oh-so-needy; but it's undeniable that one/two guys in your life is a neccessity.
don't you think? i mean. it's just weird being in a world full of girls?
i don't want you to get me wrong. but.. i hope you know what i mean. and understand where i'm coming from. i don't know. this feeling stems from a lot of things. especially if you know my life in LA. it's like. i'm a strong grown up girl, who knows exactly what i want and do the things i want to do, and i can be pretty dominant, you know? (;
and so, hanging out with my girlfriends is really fantastic! but,.. yes, there is a 'but'. BUT, most times, or actually maybe, all the time, i am the one driving, the one planning, the one filling the dominant role.
don't get me wrong.
I LOVE YOU!
i really do.
but if you understand where i'm coming from, for just a teeny weeny moment now,
you will understand my.. (not 'pain', nor is it 'sorrow'..) you will understand my.. reasons for feeling this way i do.

that is why i really wanted to have a boyfriend so badly.
and this is really why.
cus i just want to be taken care of for once.
i've been single and independent for TOO long! hahar.
i need a shoulder to lean on.
i need an arm to hold on.
i need a soul to rest on.
and the list goes on.

you know all these.. you do, right? haha (:

and so, i consecrated myself to the lord, for this very matter, ESPECIALLY. cus.. i just.. cannot.
like right now for example. its summer. and i'm usually busy with work/school/training, and now, it's a really boring mundane friday, and besides my morning with phoebe, (we went out to shop for a little bit), NOW it's SO.. empty!
cus sprinkles, the girl i hang out like 24/7, is out with her friend who came down from the bay this weekend and NEXT WEEKEND she'll be with her boyfriend all week.

now, do you feel for me?

so lonely )'=

haha. really dude. OH LORD JESUS! I NEED YOU RIGHT NOW.

so anws. most sisters are not here. and my other girlfriends are gone, too.. and yea.
even chelsia (a singapore sister-exchange student to UCLA) is gone with her friends to San Diego.
im happy for her though; but LOOK AT ME NOW, what has become of my life?
it used to be so colourful.
what happened?

God, is what happened.

yea. so my point of this entry is that..
God, is what happened.

and plus, i consecrated myself to the lord, again, cus i really admire this one brother, a lot.
but, i knew, and i felt really inadequate for him, cus he's just.. such a pattern, such a model.
i mean, this is as far as i know of him (:
oh wells.
and then, i told the lord "Lord, how about starfish? how can i tell him that i dont want to randomly eat dinner/drink boba with him anymore? how should i start rejecting all these 'lets-go-out-leh' and blah blah blah?"

then ta-da. the lord made it so much easier for me cus now he likes my friend.
it's like..

God, is what happened.
i just knew.

and then last person. yet, the MOST important person, cus we had quite a bit of history there. lol. YongJae.
"Lord, how can i EVER reject Yj's offer? HOW? my flesh is TOO weak to reject his
'eh, lets go shopping', or
'want to eat dinner?"

but again,
God, is what happened.
cus even yesterday, when he asked me for dinner, i ALRDY had plans with a sister.
then this afternoon when he called me twice and texted me cus he wanted to have lunch with me, I DID NOT BRING MY PHONE when i went out with phoebe in the morning, and SO i missed that opportunity, too.
do you see my point?

God, is what happened.
and so i missed his calls, and he always does not reply mine.
whatever.
i'm sad, of course.
lonely, no doubt.
and really.. really.. yarhh.

OH LORD JESUS I LOVE AND NEED YOU! PLEASE BE MY EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW!
I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE OF THIS.
I NEED YOU TO FILL MY SOUL!!!

so anws. the lord also made it easier for me, for yj.
cus yea. .

yeah.

i still love my Lord; and still trust that he has prepared for me, the best brother.
the best brother who when finally meets me,
he says," i'm sorry you have waited for EVER. i'm going to make it up to you with/for the rest of my life.."

and then he adds, " let's go roller coaster! "

(:

there are times..

the gigantic super shaved ice, consumed by the miniature God-men
(which you will see in the next NEXT picture)

saints from Singapore (:

saints from the Bay (;

juicy skirts in jubilee!

There are times in my life
When my heart is embittered.
There are questions unanswered,
Yet, You're drawing me

To enter
Into Your blessed santuary
And turning my eyes heavenward,
The questions of constant inquiry
Are changed to these words,

"Whom do I have in heaven
But You, dear Jehovah.
My flesh and my heart
Constantly fail,

But God's still
The strength of my heart and my portion;
To Him forever I'll draw near.
I've made Jehovah my sweet refuge.
So now throughout the years

Turn my view to see You,
How I need to see Jesus!!
Though I don't understand
The ways that You take;

Lord, make me
A babe and suckling always praising.
Enjoying Your worth day by day.
Let each experience constitute me
So Your life I'll display
In every way.

PURPLE : WOW WOW WOW... WOW. like, WOW!
RED: WOW WOW.. WOW..


)'=

i miss you. yes, YOU.


anws. i'm so lonely beyond belief now.
really enjoyed the training. --> that, was BEYOND belief, too.
hahar.
dude. losing the soul-life at this age is REALLY not easy.
i went through SO MUCH with the Lord these days, but i havent have time to blog it here.
will do so soon (; so we'll all be encouraged! we'll all run this race togther, will we not? haha.

brb

a lot of random stuffs- la la la

"Finally", is probably the word you mutter to yourself now, as you read my new entry right here. But I figure you should take back your word cus I am not planning to write alot tonight.
it's 1145pm and i have to get up early (like 6.30ish) and fill gas, then pick up some sisters, then off I go, to the FTTA Graduation. yes, FTTA(Full Time Training Anaheim), the bible school that I would be in for 2 years after i graduate UCLA next year.

So much went through my mind these days. Not only the thought of home, and the feelings of homesickness, the throbbing pangs of misses I have for my family, but also of my present state.
Yes, my present state is what I'm worrying about. It's weird how I have all my future planned out, and have a rough idea of how 'The One' is going to be like (: but what worries me is of right now. RIGHT NOW. i don't know why. or actually maybe i do..

i don't know why i just.. feel so empty! ALL THE TIME!
yet i do very well know why i feel empty, ALL THE TIME.
the answer is simply, the lord. yes, i felt like i've been detached. i've been out of the meeting life that this feeling within me is just so empty, and it bothers me like crazy! yet i really can't. i can't seem to enjoy the meetings.
i know what probably is going through your mind now is that "You haven't touched/ excercise enough your spirit."
i know.
i know.
but.. i really need a companion.
i REALLY need a companion.
i really NEED a companion.
i really need .. at least A companion.
yes, .. COMPANION.
a Spiritual Companion, who will push me, pull me, and lay hold of me, just like the Lord.
i need her.

anyways. i interned in one of UCLA's childcare center, and it was such a great experience.
i myself have no idea how much i love working with kids, and i am really amazed by what i did not know. dude. taking care of a kid is really not as easy as you think. If you really want the best of their growth and development, that is, raising them up is certainly not easy peasy, and there are SO MANY THINGS that parents think they do it right, but in actual fact, is just wrong.
anws, will elaborate more about it in the coming posts, but hey! i got to change their diapers! (=
that's like so far my favourite part being a caregiver, changing their diapers.
i love it how they cooperate with you when you're changing the diapers for them.
"Abigail.. I'm going to change your diapers now so I would like you to take off your shoes."
"Now I'm going to ... bla bla bla"
when you're changing the child's diaper, you ought to talk them through the whole process.
remember that the child is a human being, not a toy, so you want to make sure they are comfortable with every step you make.
there are just SOOOO many thingggs (: SO MANY THINGS. i learned alot just in that first day of work. All the caregivers are professionally trained, and i so aspire to be like them after the whole summer experience (:

i have to tell you about this kid who grew attached to me on my first day of work. he refused to be apart from me even for just a teeny weeny moment. haha. and i'm not even kidding. the supervisor wanted me to clean up the 'beach area' and i told him "Nicholas, I have to clean up this area for a while, and then I will be back to you ok?"
(he hasn't learned to talk yet. prolly about 1.5years old?)
I pulled him away from my embrace and he made noises and struggled back to my embrace.
sorry i don't know how to describe it. (lack of vocabs的我)
and it happened a couple of times and the supervisor asked me to hand nicholas to her while i clean up.
So i handed nic to her.
and he cried and cried and cried.
and the supervisor, then, knew, that he was now attached to me! hahar.
and she said "ok nicholas, cindy will be done soon and she'll be with you again."
and he cried, still.
and she said "she will be done soon... ~ (: "
and he is still crying.
then.
i'm done.
and i came to him and place him back in my arms.
and he stopped crying.

('=

that was the best moment ever.
it's like.
there were SO MANY FEELINGS i felt right at that moment.
it's like.
i just want to so tell this child how much i love him.
it's like having my very own son.
i don't know how to explain it.
it really made me want to be a mum!
hahar.
seriously.
and then he was just in my embrace for about an hour because he doesn't want to play or do anything else.

then meanwhile, i had to take care of an infant, we call him 'baby jordan'. hahar.
he's .. so funny. lol.
so on one arm was nicholas, and the other hand was being played by baby jordan.
then, abigail came and mumbled mumbled to me, i guess her way of communicating.. and i had to read her her favourite monkey story.

oh wells.
there were just so much going on.
and i so love them.
like all of them!

anws. i was then told that nicholas is indonesian chinese too! and how i should speak indo with him. so i did. i helped him get his booger out (-.-') that was a HARD TASK. hahar. but nic was very obedient. anws. so sometimes i would throw out a few indo words to him and that was probably why he felt closer to me than the rest? haha (: anyhows, i'm just glad.
then it got me thinking.. that 'The One' would actually be indo chinese like me too?
will he?
after that day of work i knew that 'The One' the Lord prepared for me, will be a very mature dignified man, who loves and adores me SO MUCH that he comes to the clinic(wherever i work at, as a speech therapist) and picks me up everyday after he gets off work! (:
i don't know why i have that thought, but i really can picture that to happen. like, really. hahar.
he knows me too well that i don't want to drive... ANYMORE!
he knows me too well that i would be so tired that it would be nice to be picked up.
and then he would turn on my favourite hymn in the car, or my favourite classical piece and allow me to rest my eyes while he faces the MENACING traffic. lol.
then, because it's friday night, we both prepare dinner for the saints and open our home for small group! (:


sigh. talking about my future just makes me happy.
if only i am living my future in the present time.
right now it's just ME and my car.
(really bad, but how i really miss mango. cus he just KNOW BETTER to drive and initiate things)

to FROST and ICE: don't you think i was really happy back then?

why can't all my guyfriends be more like mango? WHY?